No. You did not cause this.

Stillbirth can happen even when every appointment is attended, every food is avoided, every precaution is taken.

Here are some common myths parents blame themselves for—none of which cause stillbirth:

• “I lifted something heavy”

• “I had sex late in pregnancy”

• “I didn’t rest enough”

• “I was stressed”

• “I didn’t feel kicks and didn’t realize it soon enough”

Stillbirth can be caused by a variety of medical reasons—or have no known cause at all. Many times, there’s nothing that could have changed the outcome.

Labor and Delivery

This process is similar to a full-term birth in many ways and will typically be supported by a full medical team. This can feel emotionally overwhelming and physically demanding—but many families later express appreciation for having had the chance to hold and meet their baby.

What to expect:

• You’ll be admitted to the hospital for monitored care

• Labor is usually induced with medication (commonly misoprostol or Pitocin)

• Delivery may take several hours to over a day, depending on your body’s response

• You will be offered pain management options like epidurals, IV medication, or other supportive care

• You can request memory-making options like:

  • Holding or seeing your baby

  • Naming your baby

  • Photos, hand/footprints, or a keepsake box

Monitoring & recovery:

• You’ll likely stay in the hospital for some time after delivery for observation

• Bleeding can continue for up to 2 weeks

• Hormonal changes and uterine cramping are expected

• Physical recovery may take 1–2 weeks or longer depending on your circumstances

• Your care team may offer additional support for milk suppression, emotional support, and memorial options

You can ask for:

• A support person to be present

• A bereavement nurse or social worker to help guide you

• The ability to change your mind about what you want at any point

Suggestions for Recovery

Just like any birth, your body needs time to heal. You may receive these items from your care team, but it’s helpful to have them accessible at home.

These supplies can support your physical recovery:

• Perineal ice packs – to reduce swelling and discomfort after vaginal delivery

• Witch hazel pads or liners – soothing relief for vaginal soreness

• Peri bottle – for gentle cleansing when wiping is uncomfortable

• Numbing spray (like Dermoplast) – often provided by the hospital for pain relief

• Thick sanitary pads – bleeding may continue for several days to weeks

• Disposable underwear or comfortable, loose cotton options

• Pain medication – follow what your doctor recommends (ibuprofen, acetaminophen)

• Stool softeners – to prevent straining and ease bowel movements

• Rest, hydration and bland foods – nourish your body gently

• Soft clothing and rest items – think stretchy pants, robes, and warm blankets

• Emotional comfort – whether it’s music, tea, a journal, or a trusted support person

It’s not fair— one of the many things. After perinatal loss, your body may still begin producing breast milk. It’s a natural response to birth, even when the outcome is heartbreaking.

This can be both physically painful and emotionally overwhelming, especially when there is no baby to feed. Some find meaning in donating their milk as a way to honor their baby. Others feel that any reminder is too painful and just want it to stop. There’s no right or wrong decision—only what’s right for you.

Managing Milk Suppression

If you choose not to express milk, your body will gradually stop producing it. However, this process can take several days or longer and will be uncomfortable. Here are some ways to reduce pain and help your body suppress lactation:

• Hand express small amounts – enough to relieve pressure but not stimulate milk production

• Avoid nipple stimulation or frequent pumping – this signals the body to make more milk

• Cold packs or frozen cabbage leaves – placed in your bra for comfort and swelling relief

• Wear a supportive, snug bra – but avoid overly tight compression

• Drink sage or peppermint tea – both may help reduce supply naturally

• Take ibuprofen or acetaminophen – to manage discomfort and inflammation

Important: If you have allergies or medical concerns, speak with your doctor before trying any of these methods.

Watch for Signs of Mastitis

Sometimes milk ducts become blocked or infected—a condition called mastitis. Contact your provider if you notice:

• Fever or chills

• Body aches or fatigue

• Redness or swelling in one breast

• A hard or painful lump

• Yellow or pus-like discharge

Early treatment can prevent complications and reduce discomfort.

Donating Milk as a Way to Honor Your Baby

If donating breast milk feels right to you, it can be a meaningful way to honor your baby’s life. Donation requires certain screening steps, but many loss families have found healing through this path.

Here are three nationally recognized organizations that coordinate breast milk donation:

• Mothers’ Milk Bank – www.milkbank.org

• Mothers’ Milk Bank Northeast – www.milkbankne.org

• Human Milk Banking Association of North America (HMBANA) – www.hmbana.org (offers a list of accredited nonprofit milk banks across the U.S. and Canada)

You can reach out to these groups directly or ask your care team for guidance on local donation options.

Milk coming in can feel like one more heartbreak in a series of many. Talking to someone you trust—a partner, friend, support group, or counselor—can help you process the complex emotions tied to this experience. Whatever you choose to do, know that your decision is valid.

After a stillbirth, you may be offered the following:

Death Certificate:

• In most states, a Certificate of Stillbirth or Fetal Death Certificate is available

• You can request one from the hospital or your local vital records office

Burial or Cremation Options:

• You have the legal right to decide how you want to honor your baby

• Some families choose private funerals, others prefer hospital-arranged services

• Burial, cremation, or choosing not to have remains returned are all valid options

You don’t have to plan everything alone—hospital staff, social workers, bereavement doulas, or chaplains can help guide you through the options.

• Some hospitals offer partnerships with nonprofits or faith organizations to assist with cost and decisions

• The Angel Gowns Project offers handmade burial gowns created from donated wedding dresses, specially designed for stillborn babies and infants who pass away. You can request a gown through their website if you’re interested in dressing your baby in something beautiful and thoughtfully made.

Autopsy or Testing (Optional):

• May be offered to determine cause of death

• You can accept or decline any level of testing

• Common options include placental exam, genetic testing, and autopsy

• Results may take weeks to return

This time may feel surreal or overwhelming, but you deserve space to honor and remember your baby in a way that feels meaningful to you. There is no right or wrong way to do this—only what feels right for you in the moment.

You may be offered:

• Time to hold or bathe your baby — alone or with a support person present

• Professional or volunteer bereavement photography — organizations like Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep offer gentle, respectful photography

• A keepsake box — may include footprints, handprints, a hat or blanket, clothing, or hospital bracelets

• The opportunity to name your baby — and request that hospital staff use your baby’s name while you’re there

You don’t have to make every decision right away. If you’re unsure, ask your care team to hold onto keepsakes or photos until you’re ready. Some families keep everything, others just a few items. You are not obligated to decide in the moment—give yourself permission to take your time.